Ugh Pitchfork

Pitchfork is self described as “the essential guide to independent music and beyond.” I happily disagree. If you have surfed the site, which I am sure you might have stumbled on by happenstance at one point or another, you might be as equally frustrated as I. Of course, I am not the first to express a dissenting opinion about the website and I certainly will not be the last.

Pitchfork is most notorious for its ranking of Albums. The scale ranges from 1-10, 10 being “God’s grace to the earth” and 1 being “you might as well have never touched an instrument you ignorant asshole.” (These are not direct quotes but probably close).

Due to my personal boredom, I have studied various rankings over the years and have discovered a distinct pattern. If an album receives some publicity in the independent music scene before it is released, the album is almost guaranteed a 2-5. The idea is, Pitchfork cannot simply like what is popular to like. If the band is a remotely popular band (examples of this – Head and the Heart, Mumford and Sons), the album will not even receive the “honor” of being featured on the site. So not only are these ratings skewed, they are based on outside factors anyway.

Isn’t liking music completely subjective in the first place? Can’t an album appeal to one person’s taste and not another? There is an inherent idiocracy in trying to compare albums from various genres on a 1-10 scale. I shit you not every single Diplo album has a higher rating than Alt-J’s most recent. The remix to EXPRESS YOURSELF is considered to be way more musically applaudable than Left Hand Free/Every Other Freckle etc.

Alt-J Forevs

Alt-J Forevs

To conclude: I’ve decided to paste a couple of Pitchfork’s best one liners. (Thx Ian Cohen)

Radiohead’s Kid A: “the experience and emotions tied to listening to Kid A are like witnessing the stillborn birth of a child while simultaneously having the opportunity to see her play in the afterlife on Imax.”

Beyoncé’s Beyoncé: “she has loosened up her delivery, too, in a way that highlights her elasticity and shows her pop-cultural antennae tuned to the right channels” tune that antennae girl

Mumford & Son’s Sigh No More: “Every hoedown on Sigh No More conveys the same sense of hollow, self-aggrandizing drama. And they pull that shit on every track.”

Summary: Pitchfork pulls thit shit on every track. *mic drop*


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